My name is Amber. I am a young adult, studious, hard-working, pre-medical applicant who graduated from UC Berkeley.
And I suffer from anxiety.
Being able to say this sentence helps me see how far I have come, but I have struggled with my mental health as it has manifested in many forms. I've faced issues with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, and an idiopathic gastrointestinal disorder. When I was 17, I visited my 7th GI specialty doctor. She noticed how controlling my father was, asked him to leave, and then asked me to be honest with her. I burst out into tears about the futility of looking for answers after visiting so many specialists and having no answers. But, I also told her more about my story. My story to how I became so screwed up.
My father is undiagnosed, but all the signs of my childhood would point to the fact he is a narcissist. I watched my parents engage in abuse and I became victim to his verbal and emotional abuse. I was prey to this for 18 years and even in college, his demeaning words would cause me to sob at inappropriate times. I am a bright, enthusiastic, extroverted person with many friends, but I suffer with something much darker. I am often clouded with gloom and cannot see the brighter end of things. I have little hope, self-competency, and feel worthless most times. I tend to develop hypersomnia, just wishing to wither into my bed without waking up.
It's not easy, but what saddens me more is that people live like this without telling anyone. I understand how hard it is when it seems that no one around you is receptive. I was in that position for many years, bottling all the emotions I had lest I be berated for "lack of will power". It's sickening, and it could have resulted in my death, but it didn't. And still today, I reflect on why that is.
The answer lies entangled deeply with a sense of support from good friends, therapy, and resiliency to change what seems inevitable. I still struggle and deal with excruciating and debilitating stress more days than not. I find myself wondering what good I am still too often or transported back to the traumatic memories of severe bullying and rape threats. I struggled with an eating disorder for years and I struggle to keep my own mental stability in check. But each day, I tell myself I get better--and one day I will believe that. My desire to go into medicine is to dismantle stigma around mental health in the medical field physicians are 4 times more likely to lose their life to suicide. It's an unacceptable statistic, and I have dreams to open physicians to the world of self-care and acceptance of imperfection by first embracing my own imperfection and loving myself despite these flaws.
When it comes to being vulnerable, it isn't easy, but it helps if we all contribute to dismantling the stigma through speaking and listening. We are not the minority, and the world will be a better place when we can look at mental illness without disgust, but with perseverance and strength.
And I suffer from anxiety.
Being able to say this sentence helps me see how far I have come, but I have struggled with my mental health as it has manifested in many forms. I've faced issues with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, and an idiopathic gastrointestinal disorder. When I was 17, I visited my 7th GI specialty doctor. She noticed how controlling my father was, asked him to leave, and then asked me to be honest with her. I burst out into tears about the futility of looking for answers after visiting so many specialists and having no answers. But, I also told her more about my story. My story to how I became so screwed up.
My father is undiagnosed, but all the signs of my childhood would point to the fact he is a narcissist. I watched my parents engage in abuse and I became victim to his verbal and emotional abuse. I was prey to this for 18 years and even in college, his demeaning words would cause me to sob at inappropriate times. I am a bright, enthusiastic, extroverted person with many friends, but I suffer with something much darker. I am often clouded with gloom and cannot see the brighter end of things. I have little hope, self-competency, and feel worthless most times. I tend to develop hypersomnia, just wishing to wither into my bed without waking up.
It's not easy, but what saddens me more is that people live like this without telling anyone. I understand how hard it is when it seems that no one around you is receptive. I was in that position for many years, bottling all the emotions I had lest I be berated for "lack of will power". It's sickening, and it could have resulted in my death, but it didn't. And still today, I reflect on why that is.
The answer lies entangled deeply with a sense of support from good friends, therapy, and resiliency to change what seems inevitable. I still struggle and deal with excruciating and debilitating stress more days than not. I find myself wondering what good I am still too often or transported back to the traumatic memories of severe bullying and rape threats. I struggled with an eating disorder for years and I struggle to keep my own mental stability in check. But each day, I tell myself I get better--and one day I will believe that. My desire to go into medicine is to dismantle stigma around mental health in the medical field physicians are 4 times more likely to lose their life to suicide. It's an unacceptable statistic, and I have dreams to open physicians to the world of self-care and acceptance of imperfection by first embracing my own imperfection and loving myself despite these flaws.
When it comes to being vulnerable, it isn't easy, but it helps if we all contribute to dismantling the stigma through speaking and listening. We are not the minority, and the world will be a better place when we can look at mental illness without disgust, but with perseverance and strength.
